The following was penned by "Stan Hooper"
ACC media days this week. (Quick immediate analogy. SEC media days are the trailer park meth. It'll have you up for days straight trying to figure out the madness going on there. It is the real college football stuff for real college football people. ACC media days is the methadone. Its the cheap imitation knockoff. It leaves the user in a zombie like state, however you appetite for meth is temporarily curbed until the next relapse and subsequent binge. ACC football turns you into a zombie, SEC makes you an addict because it is real.) Nothing interesting happened. But one thing did happen. UNC got picked fourth in the ACC coastal. 4th! 4th! Not 4th in the ACC, 4th in the Coastal. Behind Miami, behind VT, behind d00k. Gutless. Spineless. Brainless. They know not of what will happen this season. What kind of crackpots are voting in the ACC media poll?
Never mind what these bozos pick. 15-1 is what will happen. Before you try to go counting number of games and such, here is in great detail what will happen this year.
Game 1: Liberty
Liberty is a baptist school. Baptists are known to disapprove of premarital sex because it leads to a 30% increase in dancing. And Liberty located in a town called Lynchburg. And the school is named after 'Lady Liberty', most known as a song written by Al Jardine and Ron Altbach for The Beach Boys in 1979. These dumb surfing rednecks will be too busy toilet-seat throwing in the pregame tailgate. Easy Win. Capital W.
Game 2: San Diego State
Notice the spelling out of State and not St because I am wasting space. I seem to remember something about a whale in relation to the origin of the name San Diego. The mascot is the Aztecs, who used to take part in human sacrifice. They are dinner in this game. 40 point win.
Game 3: Eash Cackalacka
ECU still uses the term STD. Most of the modern non sexually-addicted universities have evolved to the term STI. ECU has none of these qualities. This is the first away game and people actually attend games there. However East has an inferiority complex so strong that they actually wish they could be State. Just for a day to see what is like to almost matter. We will never be behind in the scoreboard, likewise with the proper sexual health terminology.
Game 4: Clempson
Clemson a verb now. Clemson will be ranked for sure. Hosting a non ranked ACC team. This one cannot go any other way. Wont be close. Win
Game 5: VT
VT is a good steady team. VT will be better now that Logan Thomas is playing on the practice squad for the Cardinals. This will be the crowning moment for all UNC sports. The turning point for Carolina football is beating VT in 2014. The true rapture, not what was proclaimed earlier in the previous end of days prophecy declared on October 6 2013 following another victory over VT. We will win at home against a bowl team. We are Carolina
Game 6: Notre Dame
We will import a hippo on loan from the Sedgwick County Zoo in Kansas. This hippo has working knowledge with the demise of this program and will provide us with a decided schematic advantage. This hippo is named Charlie Weis. A win will arrive for us in the gloomy grey ugly autumn Midwest afternoon. Also I hate Notre Dame
Game 7: Georgia Tech
7.8 wins for the Jackets with Paul Johnson as coach. 1998 American Football Coaches Association I-AA Region II Coach of the Year. He is a brilliant offensive mind that hasn't been truly stopped the the Tar Heels. Perpetually on lukewarm hot seat lists. Lets crank up the temperature on the burner! We need to realize that this is more than just a game. Push this one over the edge so he'll get fired and never beat a Tar Heel squad ever again! Burn!
Game 8: Virginia
The South's Oldest Rivalry. Not to be confused with the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry (Auburn and Georgia) or Oldest Small College Rivalry in the South (Randolph–Macon College and Hampden–Sydney College). Our rivalry fits squarely between these two in intrigue, hate, passion, and blazers. If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? This one will be on RAYCOM and the ACC Digital Network. 12:30 start time. In Scott Stadium, Virginia native Tim Scott will run a pick back and score to seal this one away.
Game 9: Miami
There will be no conversation about STD/STI with this school. All of the students can afford the monthly prescription of Valtrex, known as the Miracle Drug across campus. Last year was Eric Ebron's signature game, an audition for the NFL. This year it will be Jack Tabb auditioning. This will be his first game after violating team rules and his always imminent suspension. He will get thrown out again before half time after delivering an Inverted three-quarter figure-four leglock to the starting free safety. Impressed with his form, his lack of concern for rules, and fleeting stage persona, Tabb gets offered a deal with the WWE following this season.
Game 10: Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh is known for horrible Italian food using bland tomato sauce made from their Heinz "Fancy" Ketchup. Yick. There is nothing interesting about Pitt football and all anyone cares about in Pittsburgh occurs on Sundays.
Game 11: Duke
Duke football.
Game 12: State
Bad referee calls usually even out over the course of a season. But this is State. State = State. We will be thoroughly outplayed the entire game. There will be three critical moments. Jacoby Brisset will pretend he is playing for Florida again and completely ruin a play, as a true Florida QB should. Whatever it is, it will result in a field goal for us. It will be 14-3 at the half. Then we run back the kickoff for the second half despite 3 deliberate block in the back penalties on us. The ref misses it. They score again later in the 3rd to make it 21-10. We score late with 3 minutes left to pull within 4. Our defense is incapable of stopping them. They will get in the victory formation twice to run out the clock. On the second time, Brisset fumbles the snap. We pick it up and run the length of the field to score. 23-21 final. But we will waive the right to end the game right there. We go for two again to rub it in! 25-21 final score and a slow ride back on the team tractor.
Game 13: Florida State
Played in Charlotte. Home atmosphere of a 60% full stadium. No way they can beat us. Famous Jameis will have his cookies stolen by Dominique Green and his sternum will be broken by Norkeithus. Trubisky, Coker, and Pressley all see action and we run up the score. 7-1 final score
However due to previous contractual agreements, Notre Dame wins the ACC. They get the trophy AND they got the T-Shirt.
(Part of the agreement with the ACC, Notre Dame wins the ACC trophy in the first year. In subsequent even years, if Notre Dame wins 4 regular season games they win the ACC. In odd years they have to win 5 regular season games. This is unless there is an American Pope elected at any time. Under the American Pope rules, three changes occur. First Notre Dame begins all matchups against ACC teams with a two touchdown advantage. Second the trophy is awarded to Notre Dame in all years. Lastly, the opening cointoss is replaced by tossing a thin unleavened wafer.) Immediate regret over the inclusion of Notre Dame sets in.
Game 14: Alabama
Will we be chosen for the Playoffs? You betcha! First round matchup is against tricky Nicky's boys. When playing Alabama, the best defense is the best defense. There is no way Alabama's defense can compare with Fedora's Freak Show. Shoettmer breaks backs. Travis Hughes assaults meter maids. Norkeithus eats puppies and kittens for breakfast. Nothing can compare to the Heels historically superior defensive edge. Defensive battle that is close until the end. They miss a field goal at the end. 12-10 win.
Game 15: Oklahoma
The big one. The first battle for the new trophy. The golden Fleshlight will be claimed by us. We want that trophy more than the next guys.
Ours to use and never to share with another team. Invest in the special Fleshlight brand lubricant and cleaning solution now! Large quantities!
Game 16: Jacksonville Jaguars
Every year the hypothetical question is raised. Could the best college football team beat the worst NFL team? We get that game. WE GET THAT GAME. That game happens. The public needs their thirst quenched because our talent provided them sweet nectar all year long. We lose that game. Its not even possible and people finally learn their lesson.
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